It is difficult to open up to someone about your fetish. You are worried about being judged by them, or about them saying that they aren’t at all interested in it. It can leave you feeling worried about how they might react. The problem is that having your fetish rejected is something that might well happen in life.
So how do you handle a rejected fetish? Is there a good way to address it, or should you just stick your head in the sand and pretend it never happened? I take you through the best way to deal with it.
A proper explanation
One of the main problems that people have when it comes to fetishes is that they have built up an idea of them in their head. For example, femdom. For many people, their minds instantly jump to thoughts of tying their partner up, pegging them, or locking them into a cage. It is an extreme view they’ll think of, which is why they might reject the idea.
This is why it is useful to try and give a full and detailed explanation of your fetish in the first place. When you first bring it up, tell them exactly what parts of it intrigue you the most.
Be specific. With the above example of femdom, many want to get started by being ‘forced’ (with prior consent) to certain actions. If your partner understands this then they might be a lot less likely to reject the idea in the first place. Make sure you are clear with them so there are no misunderstandings.
Answer their questions
Something that I’ve found helps when opening up about a kink and ensuring it doesn’t end up a rejected fetish is to give my partner the chance to ask any questions they have regarding it. If they don’t outright say no, giving them the chance to query it will help them to understand.
It might be that they’d like to know where your interest comes from. Did you pick it up from watching porn or have you always been curious? Are there other kinks it links to? What exactly do you want from them in regards to this kink?
Being straight up with your answers can make a difference. Open and honest communication is by far one of the most important parts of sex. It ensures you and your partner are on the same page, and it shows that you are willing to discuss it. This can help to put them at ease.
Unfortunately, no matter how open and understanding you are about it, your partner might still decide that it just isn’t for them. If that happens, it is okay. There are a number of different reasons for it, and you might be able to alleviate some of their concerns regarding it.
The most common thing is that this is a fetish you’ll want 100% of the time, or that it is now the key part of who you are. Often this isn’t the case, but the idea means that you are more likely to have a rejected fetish than anything else.
Other times it is simply because your partner has no interest in it. Again, this is fine. It might be that they have tried it in the past and found that it does nothing for them. They may even simply enjoy vanilla sex only and not really care about getting kinky.
Sometimes, you just have to accept it. Tell your partner that you understand it isn’t for them and that you simply wanted to share your interest with them.
You might be tempted to persuade them into it, but often this doesn’t work out well. Instead, either say to them that you’d like to come back to the topic in the future or drop it. Don’t keep constantly bringing it up, as this might make them close off to the idea completely. Try to move on instead, if you can.
How’d you handle a rejected fetish?
The first time I had to deal with a rejected fetish was tough. I’d brought up the idea in a casual way, suggesting that it was something that I’d like to talk to them about. Their immediate reaction was “ew, that’s weird” and that was the end of that. It hurt my feelings that they’d be so callous about it, and the relationship didn’t last too long after that.
However, a rejected fetish isn’t just difficult for the rejected. The rejectee might also feel bad about it. The first time I rejected someone, I’d done it in a blunt way. I was young, naïve, and had absolutely no idea what I wanted from sex. Everything I did, at the time, was vanilla, and I didn’t feel comfortable exploring. Instead of discussing it, I rejected them, and it didn’t feel good.
We talked afterwards about it, and my partner explained how I’d made them feel. I apologised for it and said that it hadn’t changed my views on them, but it was still very difficult to come back from that.
There are so many ways you can handle this situation. It is a minefield, which is why getting some advice beforehand can make a difference.
Got your own tips you’d like to share? The comment box below is the perfect place to do it. You can tell us your top tips for easing the pain.
Since then she has gained a fine reputation with her blogs on sex advice, sexual health and amusing news stories from around the globe. She is also a campaigner for the rights of sex workers from all over the world.
In her spare time, Lara keeps herself active by going running, and is something of a film buff. She also loves to go travelling.