Exploring and trying new things with sex is great. It means that you can expand your horizons and potentially find a new kink you love. However, it is inevitable that you might at some point find yourself turned off by someone else’s fetish.
Fetishes aren’t for everyone. While you might have one that really turns you on and makes you feel amazing, others might find themselves turned off by it. You might similarly find yourself with no interest in a fetish a partner loves. So what do you do in this situation?
Know your own limits
It is all well and good saying that you are happy to try new things. The problem is that at some point, you’ll hit your limit. You’ll find something that makes you go “no, I can’t do that”. And it is fine when that happens.
It can help you a lot in the future if you know your own limits. I’ve had this happen to me recently. A fuck buddy of mine, who I explore a lot of kinks and fetishes with, brought up something they wanted to try with me. Initially I said that I’d be up for it, but then I started to think about it and realised it turned me off rather than exciting me.
If you find yourself turned off by something, you aren’t going to enjoy it with your partner. You could go through it, but your partner will know that something is wrong. Your best bet is to set your limits on things you will and won’t enjoy before you start exploring.
Communication is important
Knowing what your limit is means that you can then talk to your partner about it. It isn’t going to be an easy conversation, and I wish that I had the winning formula for you to use to make it all okay. But I don’t. I do, however, have some tips.
Try to let them down gently without backing down. As someone who has always been eager to please, I found this particularly difficult. It took me ages to think of how to tell them simply because I didn’t want to let me partner down. But I also didn’t want to let myself down by doing something I felt uncomfortable with.
What worked for me was explaining to them that I didn’t think I was the best person to explore it with. I said that it wasn’t something I was interested in personally, and I didn’t think it would be fair on them when they deserve someone as into it as they are. That seemed to work reasonably well.
Give them time
Of course, even if you craft the perfect response to their fetish, it comes down to one thing. You are turned off by their fetish. No matter how understanding they are as a person, this is going to sting a little.
So give them time. Let them have space for a while. They might need to process their disappointment or even just need to sulk for a while. Give them some time and they’ll be able to deal with it.
What is important to remember is to not back down. Yes, it might suck that they aren’t talking to you as much, but if you don’t want to do it then forcing yourself is only going to make things worse. My fuck buddy came back to me a week later asking if I was really sure and they tried to talk me into it. I stuck to my guns, because I can’t give them the experience that they want. It’s fairer all around to accept that.
Turned off or clueless?
There might be times when you think you are turned off by your partner’s fetish and you actually aren’t. Often, we find that we don’t want to do something because of the assumptions we have about it. This is another area where communication is key.
It might be worth taking the time to sit down with your partner and find out exactly what their fetish entails. It might be that your ideas about the fetish don’t match reality, and so it could be something you enjoy. However, it might be that the fantasy your partner has in mind just isn’t for you. The only way to know is to ask for details about it.
Have you had experience being turned off by a partner’s fetish? I’d love to hear from you. How did you handle it? Were you able to deal with it calmly or are you stuck in limbo?
Since then she has gained a fine reputation with her blogs on sex advice, sexual health and amusing news stories from around the globe. She is also a campaigner for the rights of sex workers from all over the world.
In her spare time, Lara keeps herself active by going running, and is something of a film buff. She also loves to go travelling.