The Bad Sex Awards 2018 Have Arrived!

December means Christmas songs on repeat in every single shop and restaurant, causing you to start pulling your hair out. It means wrapping up warm as you brave the crowds for that one gift you forgot to buy. It means festivities and little else. At least to normal people. To people like me, it means that it is time for the Bad Sex Awards.

Man with a hangover lying in a hotel bed with sexy woman in a black underwear

The Bad Sex Awards are what I look forward to each and every year. This year had some amazing entries, and the winner has finally been announced! So what are the awards about? Who was nominated this year? Who managed to write the worst sex of 2018?

The Bad Sex Awards

If you haven’t heard about these awards before then you are in for a real treat. Every year since 1993, Literary Review has held the Bad Sex Awards. The Bad Sex in Fiction Award has been designed to honour the authors who had created the worst sex scenes in good books. It makes the scenes so much worse when the rest of the book is amazing.

It isn’t aimed at pornographic or erotic literature – simply literature where a sex scene appears and you roll your eyes at how bad it is. You might think that it is hard to get nominations for the award each year, but you would be wrong. Every year, Literary Review has found themselves inundated with awful sex scenes.

You may even think that the awards go to obscure books and authors you’ve never heard of. Again, you’d be wrong. Philip Roth and Tom Connolly have both won the award, as have Stephen King and Morrissey. Of the previous winners, my favourite has to be Morrissey’s entry from ‘List of the Lost’. The phrase “bulbous salutation” should never be used ever again.

The nominees for the Bad Sex Awards 2018

The nominations for this years award have been amazing to read through. Each one of them fits the brief of “poorly written, perfunctory or redundant passages of sexual description in modern fiction”. How they have chosen a winner from this years entries I have absolutely no idea.

Before I reveal this year’s Bad Sex Awards 2018 winner, here are the seven entries for you to read. Which is the stand-out worst scene amongst these?

Scoundrels: The Hunt for Hansclapp

“Empty my tanks,” I’d begged breathlessly, as once more she began drawing me deep inside her pleasure cave. Her vaginal ratchet moved in concertina-like waves, slowly chugging my organ as a boa constrictor swallows its prey. Soon I was locked in, balls deep, ready to be ground down by the enamelled pepper mill within her.

Written by Major Victory Cornwall and Major Arthur St John Trevelyan.

Katerina

I’m hard and deep inside her fucking her on the bathroom sink her tight little black dress still on her thong on the floor my pants at my knees our eyes locked, our hearts and souls and bodies locked.
Cum inside me.
Cum inside me.
Cum inside me.
Blinding breathless shaking overwhelming exploding white God I cum inside her my cock throbbing we’re both moaning eyes hearts souls bodies one.
One.
White.
God.
Cum.
Cum.
Cum.
I close my eyes let out my breath.
Cum.

Written by James Frey.

Connect

He drops the bra to the floor, looks up, into her eyes, it’s too much. He kisses her chin, her mouth, and their tongues touch, oh, too much, he slips his lips free with a soft suck. Moves up to kiss her strong nose, on one side, then the other, it’s hard and soft at once. He moves back down, till he is level with her breasts.
‘They’re small,’ she says, surprisingly shy, apologetic.
‘They’re perfect,’ he says.
He kisses them. Teases a nipple with his lips. It’s so soft; and then, suddenly, hard.
Wow.
He sucks on the hard nipple.
He has never done this before, and yet; no, wait, of course, it is totally familiar.
The first thing he ever did.
He feels the huge change in meaning, in status; it is as though he had grown up in a single suck. Everything transformed. And yet nothing has changed at all; he sucks at a nipple as he lies on a bed, and it’s eighteen years later, and he sucks at a nipple as he lies on a bed, and his childhood falls away from him like a burned-out booster stage from a rocket. Its fuel used up. He is now in orbit around a different planet.

Written by Julian Gough.

Killing Commendatore

My ejaculation was violent, and repeated. Again and again, semen poured from me, overflowing her vagina, turning the sheets sticky. There was nothing I could do to make it stop. If it continued, I worried, I would be completely emptied out. Yuzu slept deeply through it all without making a sound, her breathing even. Her sex, though, had contracted around mine, and would not let go. As if it had an unshakeable will of its own and was determined to wring every last drop from my body.

Written by Haruki Murakami.

Kismet

She shuffles her head closer to his cock, close enough to smell her own residue, and then takes it in her mouth, with the vague idea of cleaning it. Geoff mirrors this gesture by burying his head between her legs, and gradually she can feel his cock pumping up with blood, one pulse at a time, until it is long and hard and filling her wide-open mouth. They stay in this position for a long time, Anna sucking and slurping with the same lazy persistence you’d use on a gobstopper or a stick of rock. Eventually she loses her sense of the context altogether – of what she is doing or who she is with or where they are – and becomes an empty vessel for what feels like disembodied consciousness. She looks at the window and wonders how the glass feels encased within its wooden frame, what the shaggy clouds feel like being blown across the sky, what the walls felt like being splattered and smeared with wet paint…

Written by Luke Tredget.

Grace’s Day

He’s almost weightless. When he enters me it hurts and my pain belongs to the subterranean world, primitive as the clay. His body is slacker than I expected, a small paunch begins at his waist and settles in a downward parabola to his groin. His pubic hair is red. His erect penis is a surprise although I had imagined what they would feel like, read about them, seen them represented on toilet walls and magazines. I didn’t see it before he entered me, but afterwards it is small and sticky and amusing. I want to touch it but I don’t dare. I don’t know the etiquette. He is twenty or more years older than me. This is sex.

Written by William Wall.

The Paper Lovers

He was aware that she was making a mewling sound as he put his lips to her tightened nipple and sucked. Her mouth was at his ear, her tongue travelling along its grooves, voice filling it. His mouth tugged at her, extended her, she snapped back, there was a taste of something on his tongue. In his mind he pictured her neck, her long neck, her swan’s neck, her Alice in Wonderland neck coiling like a serpent, like a serpent, coiling down on him. She had found a way through his clothing and her fingers had lightly touched his cock, then slowly began to take a firmer hold. He wanted to cry like a baby. He felt helpless, as though his body had come undone and she was fastening it. He felt as though he was bleeding somewhere. Then he felt powerful, gigantic. He would have kicked a door down.

Written by Gerard Woodward.

There are so many memorable lines from each of these pieces of work. I feel like describing someone’s cunt as an “enamelled pepper mill” earns Major Victor Cornwall & Major Arthur St John Travelyan a round of applause. Likewise, Gerard Woodward’s description of how powerful and strong the character felt having sex was pretty amazing.

However, I feel like the almost-poem like nature of James Frey’s entry makes it my favourite. That said, Frey could really learn to use commas. But the choice of winner is not up to me or even to you. It is up to the people at the Literary Review. So which entry did they chose as the stand-out favourite?

And the winner is…

Well, Literary Review announced the winner on Monday. They decided that it was James Frey who deserved the Bad Sex Awards 2018 trophy for their scene in Katerina. In my personal opinion, every entry was a worthy contender, but this one was definitely the stand-out winner for me.

You already know which of the seven entries I loved the most, but what do you think? Did they pick the right winner for the Bad Sex Awards 2018 or was another entry snubbed? You can have your say in the poll below. Got an entry you think should have been a part of it? Share it in the comments!

Lara Mills
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Lara Mills

Lara Mills is a writer who has four years of sex industry expertise behind her. Since she entered the adult industry, she has worked on the Escort Advertising forums, before moving into her current role three years ago.

Since then she has gained a fine reputation with her blogs on sex advice, sexual health and amusing news stories from around the globe. She is also a campaigner for the rights of sex workers from all over the world.

In her spare time, Lara keeps herself active by going running, and is something of a film buff. She also loves to go travelling.
Lara Mills
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