Everyone has their own kinky interests in the bedroom. For the most part, we can accept that what we like in bed isn’t going to suit everyone. Some people find vanilla sex really boring. They think that it is incredibly dull and not exciting enough to keep them entertained. Then we have those with kinks who often experience kink-shame, simply for the things they love.
Kink-shaming is becoming more and more common at the moment, but why? What is kink-shaming and what makes people do it in the first place?
Kink-shaming: what is it?
You might have guessed from the name, but when you are kink-shamed, you are made to feel as though your kink is wrong. You are shamed in a number of different ways for having interests in the bedroom beyond the norm.
So basically if you like anything other than vanilla sex, you are at risk of being kink-shamed. A number of people will never experience it because they aren’t as open about their sexuality and interests as others.
However, those who are open will have some experience of it. Whether it is discussing what you like over drinks with your friends and laughing at the sex stories you hear or trying to introduce your kink to your partner, you might hear comments on it. It could be something as simple as “ew” or it might be an outright “that’s disgusting. Why would you do that?”
Why do people kink-shame?
The main reason for the gut-reaction kink-shaming you might experience is that people just don’t get it, and they are too closed-minded to understand why people like what they like.
Often, kink-shaming comes when people talk about acts which are seen as “dirty”. Anything involving the ass can be viewed in such a way, with people saying “my ass is a one-way street” or just pulling faces at the mention of it. Pain play is another, because others don’t understand that pain can be pleasurable when explored correctly between consenting adults.
If someone doesn’t enjoy something in the bedroom, their gut reaction to hearing about it might be disgust. They feel that your bedroom fun is wrong, which according to Dr Michael Aaron in his book ‘Modern Sexuality: The Truth About Sex And Relationships’ is actually making us more likely to keep our kinks a secret.
For some, it is something they actually enjoy doing. Making you feel shame for your kink is something that makes them feel good. They simply like putting people down.
What to do when you’ve been kink-shamed
If you are dealing with kink-shame, the best thing to do is to try and talk about it. This is tough. Most people want to keep their interests in bed a secret because they don’t want to be judged and feel that it isn’t anyone else’s business. Unfortunately the only way to get people to understand your interests is to talk about it.
Take the time to explain to the person exactly why you like it. They might not have realised just how much more there is to your kink. For example, if you like being spanked they might not understand just how pleasurable it can be. They might not get that there is a real rush from it, and so talking about it can really help.
Have you every experienced kink-shame? Have you ever shamed someone else about their kink? How did you deal with it? We want to hear from you, so let us know what you think by leaving a comment in the box below.
Since then she has gained a fine reputation with her blogs on sex advice, sexual health and amusing news stories from around the globe. She is also a campaigner for the rights of sex workers from all over the world.
In her spare time, Lara keeps herself active by going running, and is something of a film buff. She also loves to go travelling.