The Craziest Things Women Have Heard in Bed

I have to say, I love Mumsnet. It is where women go to let loose, and is filled with a mixture of angry arguments about parenting styles, and women talking about sex. The site comes across as a place where the female gender go to vent their spline, and in doing so, relieve the need to scream at their kids. That is my theory anyway.

Shocked woman in bed

This week saw an absolutely hilarious conversation about the most bizarre things that people have said during sex. I tell you something, some of them made me spit my coffee out.

The most amusing anecdotes came from from NotTheFordType , who wrote: “I’ve got one guy who exclaims ‘Holy macaroni!’ at the point of orgasm.

“Another one who said very formally ‘Thank you’ before dismounting.

“A very posh ex-public schoolboy who declaimed “Here it comes. HERE. IT. COMES!” in cut glass tones, as he ejaculated.”


But wait, there’s more. VoyageofDad wriote: “I knew a guy who used call out random bits of kitchenware.

“‘Kenwood mixer’. ‘Ceramic hob’ etc.”

However, it looks as though not everyone has got something to say during sex.

One woman explained: “Had one who didn’t make a single noise. Most disconcerting. Didn’t see him again.”

While Saleorbouy wrote: “After a friend took back a girl from the club they ended up in the bedroom.

“Naked on all fours on the bed she turned to say ‘None of yer fancy stuff, just horse it into me!’”

I must remember to try that one. Then again, maybe not.

Is it getting too much? Well, prepare for a rather bizarre one.

Smash My Pasty

One poster shared: “I overheard my uni housemate cry ‘smash my pasty’ when she was having sex.

“I’ve never been able to go into Greggs without thinking of it!”

What the hell?

And here is the most crazy sexual encounter that you will hear of today.

“A very odd man I once dated once got out of bed mid-dtd [sex] to look for a pound coin which he’d dropped in the hallway and had rolled into the hallway cupboard.

“He literally was emptying this cupboard out, standing naked with a big pile of stuff around him, a tent, old rucksacks, towels etc (the sort of crap a single bloke in his thirties would keep in his airing cupboard). Even when I offered to give him a different pound, he still wouldn’t come back to bed.

“He said he couldn’t even think about finishing until he’d found it.”

I am not going to act surprised that this is an ex-partner.

So, what is the most strange thing you have heard in bed? Let us know in the comments box below.

Martin Ward
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