Dirty talk in the bedroom is fantastic, when done right. It gets us in the mood and helps us with the hot fantasy you are describing, but sometimes you can get it very wrong and it can completely ruin the mood.
Here in the Escort Scotland office we have talked about the absolute worst things that you can say in the bedroom to try and get us in the mood, and we let you know just why they don’t work the way you want them to.
“Call me daddy”
This one should really go without saying, but there are a surprising number of guys out there who think that asking us to call them daddy will make us want to jump in their lap. In reality, it makes us want to run a mile, block your number, and never let you darken our bedroom again.
If that is your fantasy, that is fine, but don’t just spring it on us. You should really take the time to sit us down and explain exactly what it is about the word Daddy that you like so much. As long as we aren’t taking part in some incest taboo roleplay, we’ll probably go along with it… if you ask us nicely and treat us right.
For the most part though, you’re best keeping the “d” word out of the bedroom completely. I mean come on, would you really want to call your partner “mummy” while fucking? We thought not!
“Shhh” or “keep quiet
If you’re sitting in a cinema and your partner starts to talk over the tense action scene where the main character is fighting for their life, it is perfectly acceptable to shush them or ask them to wait until the end of the film. Sure, they might be pissed off about it, but there is a general understanding that talking in the cinema will send you to a special level of hell.
However, it is also generally understood that the bedroom is one place you can be loud, and if you try to shush your partner or ask them to be quiet while they are having an orgasm, you can pretty much guarantee that they will get off and walk out on you.
If you partner is being a little loud for you in the bedroom, there are some more tactful ways that you can get them to keep the noise down. Give them a pillow to bite on, telling them that the sight of them trying to hold back the moans is a huge turn on for you. Just don’t “shh” them or you’ll end up alone with your hand.
“How do I compare to other guys?
We women understand that guys are curious about their penis and just how it measures up to others, but at no point during sex (or any other point, in fact) should you ask your partner how you compare to other guys.
You are putting them in an incredibly awkward position. You might be one of the gifted men with a dick so big people stop to admire the snake in your trousers as you walk on by, but you might not be. If you don’t measure up, you are either asking your partner to tell you that you don’t (which will hurt your feelings) or to lie to you.
Even worse is when you ask how good the sex was with another guy. It shouldn’t matter how good the guy before you was. What should matter is how good you are, so instead of thinking about how many orgasms in a row her last man gave her, work on your own technique so she won’t even remember their name when you’re done with her.
“Oh yeah, you like that, don’t you?”
If you find yourself quoting porn films while you’re having sex, you might want to rethink things. After all, the porn stars rarely speak during sex, and the lines they come out with are some of the cheesiest you have ever heard. Remember, these are the people who will order a pizza and have sex with a delivery man, leaving the pizza cold and untouched on the side.
Please, whatever you do, don’t start quoting porn stars during sex. You might not even realise you do it, but if you have ever said something along the lines “oh yeah, you like that, don’t you?” then you have.
It might work for some people, but the majority of us don’t really want to tell you if we do or don’t like something in bed. If we do like it, you will know. We’ll moan and groan and scream your name out loud. If we don’t, we might try to move into a better position that works for us. Either way, you don’t have to ask us if we do like it as though you are a porn star.
“Does it always take you this long?”
A shocking number of men think it is okay to ask a woman if it usually takes them so long to reach orgasm while they are fucking them. If you do this, you’re a dick. You wouldn’t expect a woman to ask you if you come so quickly all of the time would you? So don’t do the same to her.
Women take longer to reach orgasm. For men it can be a case of two quick pumps and you’re done, but we women have to warm up first. Take it slow and steady and we’ll eventually get there, and you’ll be well rewarded for your patience. If you start questioning why it takes us so long, you might just end up in bed alone.
What phrase turns you off in bed? Is it one that we have mentioned above, or is there a phrase far worse than all of those combined? You can let us know by visiting the Escort Scotland forum, or by leaving a comment in the box below.
Since then she has gained a fine reputation with her blogs on sex advice, sexual health and amusing news stories from around the globe. She is also a campaigner for the rights of sex workers from all over the world.
In her spare time, Lara keeps herself active by going running, and is something of a film buff. She also loves to go travelling.